Dear All,
This newsletter's theme is the adult-child–parent dynamic. February has been eventful for me. The time I could spend with my adult children has been very precious and full of lessons I am still reflecting on.
Do you find that the transition from "parenting a child" to "relating to an adult" is a very tricky one in life, and that, at the heart of the problem, is listening? If you are like me, the struggle might be with jumping straight to "Here is what you should do." This urge to fix has made many of my conversations with my children end with high-tension interactions. My adult child needed validation before I could offer any solutions.
A healthy adult-to-adult relationship is horizontal. Poor listening keeps it vertical. This means the parents signal to the child that only their perspective matters and that the child should respect it. Adult children today often prioritise emotional connection over traditional family duty. Filial piety must come from the heart and be free from parental judgment or "fixing". This is why so many children today limit contact to protect their mental peace.
As a new grandmother, I am determined to practice the Golden Rule of Adult Parenting: listen twice as much as you speak. My adult child might perceive my silence as support, while my "wisdom" is interpreted as control.
A Poem — "Listening. Truly Listening."
Here is a poem by Derek Hart, about listening deeply — not only to our children, but to our spouses and to others:
Most people think listening means staying quiet.
It doesn't.
Real listening costs something.
If you can hear your partner talk about their pain
and feel nothing in your body,
You are not listening.
You are waiting.
Listening isn't nodding.
It isn't eye contact.
It isn't repeating their words back correctly.
Listening is when their pain actually reaches you.
And that's the part most people avoid.
Because real listening requires you to see
a little suffering in the other person's eyes
and not turn away.
Not fix it.
Not defend yourself.
Not explain.
Not correct the story.
Stay.
Most people interrupt emotionally long before they interrupt verbally.
They hear the first sentence and immediately start preparing:
their defense
their justification
their counterexample
their innocence
So while their partner is talking,
They are already gone.
That's not listening.
That's self-protection.
Here's the uncomfortable truth.
If your partner is sharing something vulnerable
and you don't feel at least a flicker of discomfort,
you are not listening deeply enough.
Because listening means letting their experience
matter more than your comfort for a moment.
It means allowing yourself to see:
how scared they are
how lonely they feel
how much it cost them to say this
And yes —
it means tolerating the fact
that you might be part of that pain.
That's why people avoid listening.
Because listening requires humility.
It requires you to resist the urge to say:
"That's not what I meant."
"You're misunderstanding me."
"You're being unfair."
Even if all of that is true.
Because the moment you correct their pain,
you erase it.
And something breaks.
People don't need you to agree with their experience.
They need you to witness it.
They need to see in your eyes:
"I see that this hurt you."
"I see that this matters."
"I'm not running from this."
When someone finally feels listened to,
their nervous system softens.
Not because the problem is solved.
But because they are no longer alone with it.
And this is the part no one teaches.
Listening isn't passive.
It's an act of courage.
It's staying present while another person hurts
without making it about you.
It's letting their pain change you
just enough
that they feel it landed.
If you want deeper connection,
stop asking your partner to communicate better.
Start asking yourself:
Can I sit with their pain
long enough
that they know I really heard them?
Because the moment someone sees
even a little suffering reflected in your eyes...
They know you're listening.
And that's when everything changes.
The Principle and Parenting
In my newsletter, I want us all to think about our children's spiritual growth. In the Divine Principle, spirituality is the "Inner Machinery/Working" of a human being. It is about how a child's mind and body come together to reflect the heart of the Creator. Let's think of ourselves not just as providers, but as the spiritual foundations of our children's lives. How can we help our child build their First Blessing — the ability to become a mature, "fruitful" person who can handle life with wisdom and love?
The Divine Principle teaches us to appreciate goodness and truth in the world and to practice gratitude as the fuel that keeps a person's spirit alive. When we are grateful, we create a "circular dynamic" of energy with God and those around us.
I encourage you to practice Appreciation. When you sit at dinner and say, "I am so grateful for this food and for our time together," you are teaching your child to find joy and value in everyday life. This keeps their spirit bright and prevents them from becoming "Consumer" souls who are never satisfied.
Homework for Parents: Practice Keeping the Energy Alive
In every family, there will be storms. Your child rebels or gets angry, or distances themselves from you. This is where the Love and Beauty Dynamic comes in.
Love is your "heart to give" even when it's hard. Beauty is your "heart to appreciate" the good in your child, even when they are being difficult. When you choose to find one positive thing to appreciate in your adolescent today, you create "social energy" that strengthens the bond.
Question for Reflection
When my child speaks, how often am I truly undistracted?
Blog Posts & Videos
Announcement
A Meeting on "Loving Limits"
I will hold a meeting for those who want to share their thoughts and insights after reading this newsletter. I will give a presentation on the topic of "Loving Limits".
The next meeting will be on Monday, 2nd March, 19:00–20:00 GMT.
Zoom link: https://us02web.zoom.us/j/7618346451 · Password: 1
Join the MeetingBlessings,
Barbara