The Power of Attunement

Dear All,

This issue of my newsletter explores some ways we can create harmony in our relationships. Despite all the freedoms we have in today's world, people find it hard to make the most of their relationships, to work together on the tasks of life, and to appreciate life's joys.

If our goal is harmony, the question is: "What skills do we need to see this result in our lives?" Do you believe certain actions are necessary? Or rather, more focus on our inner lives?

Attunement and Parenting

Among the answers offered by some relationship experts concerned with creating a world of harmony is the concept of attunement.

According to Gottman, attunement acts as the "silent glue" of relationships, and can be described through the acronym ATTUNE:

• Awareness of the other person's emotions.
• Turning toward the emotions.
• Tolerance of different perspectives.
• Understanding them (partner, child, friend).
• Non-defensive listening.
• Empathy.

In parenting, attunement is our ability to be aware of and respond to our child's needs. In adult-to-adult relationships, it is the proactive process of "tuning in" to your partner's, an adult child's, or a friend's internal world. It is less about verbal communication and more about staying aware of their needs and non-verbal clues. Think of a radio: when you are attuned, you are dialled into your partner's or child's specific frequency and not distracted or making assumptions — you truly hear them. When people are attuned, they feel secure, as if they were in Heaven.

Not being heard or seen is at the root of most arguments and conflicts. Misattunement may look like offering a solution when someone just wants to be listened to and understood. It can also look like scrolling on your phone while they are trying to share a story about their day. It can be dismissing someone's feelings.

Some of you might think that being attuned means being perfect. Research suggests, however, that partners and parents are good enough when they are attuned about 30–40% of the time (Gottman); the key is the practice of forgiveness and repair when things go wrong. And they say that whoever is more aware in the relationship is the leader in this process of "tuning in" to the other person. However, parents raising children are 100% responsible in this process until their children reach the legal age of adulthood.

Do You Know Your Triggers?

Identifying your triggers is like being a detective in your own life. Most triggers aren't about what is happening now; they are echoes of what happened then.

When you are triggered, your brain's "alarm system" (the amygdala) mistakes a current situation for a past threat. Here is a step-by-step guide to unmasking those "ghosts."

Step 1: Track the "Body Flash"

Triggers always start in the body before they reach your thoughts. The next time your child does something that upsets you, ignore their behaviour for a second and scan yourself:

• Heat: Does your face or neck feel hot? (Often linked to shame or suppressed rage.)
• Tension: Are your fists clenched or is your jaw tight? (The "Fight" response.)
• Hollowness: Do you feel a sinking in your stomach or a desire to walk away? (The "Flight" or "Freeze" response.)

Step 2: Identify the "Forbidden Behaviour"

Ask yourself: "What is my child doing that I wasn't allowed to do?"

Often, we aren't mad at the child; we are subconsciously jealous or offended that they have the freedom we were denied.

• Example: If your child is being "too loud" and it fills you with rage, it might be because you were strictly silenced as a kid. Their noise feels like a "violation" of the rules you had to live by to stay safe.

Step 3: Name the "Ghost"

When you feel that surge of emotion, ask: "How old do I feel right now?"

• If you feel small, powerless, or like you're being "disrespected," you are likely trapped in a memory of being a child. Ask yourself: "Who does this feeling remind me of? My mother? My father? A teacher?"

Once you realize, "I'm not mad at my toddler; I'm mad at how my dad used to talk to me," the trigger loses its power over you.

Step 4: The "Need" Behind the Reactivity

Every trigger is an unmet need from your past, crying out for attention.

• Mess / Chaos triggers me — I have a need for safety through control.
• Defiance of my child — I have a need to be heard and respected.
• My child's crying / whining — I need emotional validation.
• My child's clinginess — I have a need to feel secure in someone's consistent presence.

Step 5: The "Cycle Breaker" Statement to help leave the past

How to Be a Cycle Breaker

Healing ancestral trauma isn't just about "fixing" the past; it's about changing the way you see your child today. When we carry unhealed wounds, we often interact with a projection of our own childhood rather than the actual child in front of us.

To be a cycle breaker, you are essentially choosing to be the "filter" that catches the toxins of previous generations so they don't pass through to the next.

1. Interrupt the "Inherited Unconscious Script"

How?

• By becoming a "conscious observer" of your own reactions.
• By identifying a "trigger" (that instant surge of rage or the urge to shut down), you are spotting a ghost from your past.
• By naming it ("This is my father's anger, not my child's mistake"), you stop the momentum of the ancestral chain.

2. Re-establish the "Relational Current"

Think of your relationship with your child as a fibre-optic cable. Trauma acts like a "kink" in that cable, slowing down or cutting off the flow of emotional data. You might be physically in the room but "offline" emotionally because you are trapped in a dissociative state from your own past.

Healing removes those kinks. It ensures that when your child sends a signal (a look, a cry, a question), you have the "bandwidth" to receive it and respond in real time.

3. Become a "Nervous System Anchor"

Children are born with an "unfinished" nervous system. They literally cannot calm themselves down on their own; they must "plug into" you to find peace. This is known as co-regulation.

If your childhood taught you that big emotions are dangerous, your nervous system will "alarm" when your child screams. As a cycle breaker, you must ground yourself first. You "lend" your child your calm. You become the stable dock for their stormy ship.

Ancestral trauma often leaves us with a low tolerance for "negative" emotions because we weren't allowed to have them as kids. We try to shut down a child's tantrum because their noise triggers our old fear. Did you hear, perhaps: "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about"? Your parents, to feel comfortable, demanded that you hide your feelings. The shift required of you, as a cycle breaker, is to be big enough to hold all the emotions without breaking.

Links & Resources

New Blog Articles

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Attunement Practice

Attunement practice is to create more peace in this world through:

• Active Listening: Focus on understanding rather than preparing a response.
• Self-Awareness: Before tuning in to others, recognize your own emotional state.
• Nonverbal Awareness: Pay attention to tone, posture, and energy shifts, which often reveal more than words.
• Validation: Acknowledge the emotions of others without judgment.

Blessings,
Barbara