A Month of Love

Dear All,

Many around the world have just celebrated Valentine's Day. February is known as the month of love in many cultures, with a modern emphasis on love and affection beyond romance. Many now use February as an opportunity to practise self-love, care for the community, and express appreciation for friends and family.

In my case, this month is dedicated to my children and new grandchildren. Each weekend is a chance to connect with them, celebrate our family bonds, and share our family love with others. I am now in the Philippines to attend to my youngest son — exciting days ahead.

I have been researching Valentine's Day traditions and learned that in the Philippines, the government organises mass weddings on Valentine's Day, but my daughter-in-law explains that this is because some people cannot afford to pay for their own wedding ceremonies. In other contexts, giving chocolates or flowers has drawn criticism because the original idea of celebrating love has been commercialised and can make people feel lonely. Still, the month of Love (and Valentine's Day) provides us with opportunities to engage with its spirit through:

• Practising intentional giving (a handmade card or a sincere conversation).
• Hosting a friend's dinner, calling a relative, or volunteering at a shelter.

Use this time to assess what love means to you and how you want to express it throughout the year.

What Is a Healthy Parent–Adult Child Relationship?

Psychologists note that healthy adult parent-child friendships are built on trust, open communication, and clear boundaries, with the parent stepping back from a directive role to become a supportive companion.

Key elements include:

• Listening more than advising, unless asked.
• Respecting the adult child's autonomy and life choices.
• Engaging in shared activities or conversations as equals.
• Avoiding enmeshment or emotional dependency (e.g., treating the child as a therapist).

I have been reflecting a lot on my parent-adult children dynamic recently. Has my parenting journey allowed me to have an Adult-to-Adult dynamic with them?

In psychology, this is often explained through Transactional Analysis, which identifies three "ego states": Parent, Adult, and Child. A healthy adult dynamic occurs when both people stay in the "Adult" state — functioning with logic, presence, and respect rather than emotion-driven reactions. It is often the trickiest transition families have to make. It requires shifting away from the "provider/protector" and "dependent" roles and toward a relationship based on mutual respect, autonomy, and shared interest.

It has been quite challenging for me because I was not modelled mutual respect for privacy in the family that raised me. My autonomy was born of necessity rather than natural growth, and I often feel like I am wearing a shield rather than independence. I became self-reliant in my adolescence, and my independence was a strategy ("defensive autonomy") rather than a natural developmental process.

I have so many reasons to feel grateful to my parents; I know they offered only the protection and guidance they knew how to give to me as a child. Our communication was not healthy enough for me to always trust them. I withheld information from them (such as that I hitchhiked during my summer holidays because I didn't want to worry my mother). Money was scarce, so I learned not to ask for it; I learned that to be okay, to become self-reliant early in my childhood.

Now, being a mother of adult children, my goal is to share with them from my heart without feeling any distance and without treating them like "little children". However, this requires unlearning my habits and it requires some healing so that I can transition to an "Adult-to-Adult" relationship.

How to follow the "Give-and-Take" principle in relating to your adult children?

Characteristics of Adult-to-Adult Interaction:

1. In a child-parent dynamic, the parent often feels entitled to information, and the child feels obligated to give it. In an A-A dynamic, both parties recognise that "No" is a complete sentence and that some areas of life (finances, health, relationships) are private unless shared voluntarily.
2. Often, the friction arises when both the parent and the adult child get stuck in the "Fixer" role. My adult child sees a problem and "takes over" to protect me (treating me like a child). And I do the same. The Adult way is to ask, "Do you want my advice, or do you just want me to listen?" And I need to learn to respond by either accepting help or saying, "I've got a handle on it, but thanks for the offer."
3. In an A-A dynamic, the "emotional work" is split 50/50. We are both responsible for reaching out, planning visits, and maintaining the bond. It is no longer the daughter's job to "manage" the father/mother, nor the father's/mother's job to "rule" the family.
4. The challenge is communication.

Communicating needs directly is vital for the adult child – parent relationship. Adults don't use guilt, pouting, or "nagging" to get what they want. They use clear, assertive language. So, I am used to nagging; in my case, switching to the Adult way means asking for what I need with honesty and clarity. It is not about asking permission but about negotiation, active listening, and requests.

I am committed to learning and hope you are, too:

1. to own my emotions, so my adult child does not feel attacked;
2. to have faith in them;
3. to invite collaboration by asking them to tell me when I cross their boundaries.

Spiritual vs Emotional Development in Parenting

I believe God's plan for a family has always been for parents to turn their children into partners in love, so that grandchildren can prosper. Even in an ideal world, parents need to develop emotionally and spiritually.

Spiritual development is usually understood as the inner growth that helps us parent with meaning, values, and a sense of connection — especially when things are hard. It's less about what we believe and more about how we show up as parents.

Emotional development in parenting is about:

• recognising emotions (in ourselves and our children);
• naming feelings accurately;
• regulating emotions (calming, expressing, containing them safely);
• responding rather than reacting.

Emotionally developing parents learn skills such as:

• soothing themselves when triggered;
• validating a child's feelings;
• setting boundaries without aggression or withdrawal.

In short, emotional development answers the question: "What am I feeling, and what do I do with it?"

Emotional development helps us manage feelings. Spiritual development helps us stay connected to love, meaning, and values — especially when feelings are intense.

While Holding My Grandsons...

I have waited for a long time to hold my grandchild, and finally, my wish was granted. And it is a deep experience of realising that I was held once by my parents and my grandmother, who were raised in a world where children were measured by who they would one day become.

The message underneath was clear: Who you are now is not enough.

Looking at my tiny newborn grandsons, I have had the painful realisation that I slipped into that old way of looking at a child when I gave birth to my children. I was unaware of the old pattern, but I rushed my children's growth. I corrected their behaviour, believing that I was helping them to avoid future problems. I have parented expecting "outcomes."

And yet, from God's viewpoint, every child is already God's child, a human being, not a future project.

I wish that in my parenting, I could have shifted the way I looked at my children from "Who will my child become?" to "Who is my child right now?"

If you ask me why I think this way about parenting, my answer is a personal one: I felt under a lot of pressure as a mother and lacked the skills and the curiosity to focus on my emotional and spiritual development as a parent. My children did not really feel seen by me. And they, like many young people today, feel under pressure and lack even the desire to give birth to their own children. I believe this will change with some healing.

Listening Is Love in Action

Most parents already know that listening matters. The problem is having the internal capacity to stay grounded when emotions arise. Many parents seek coaching in listening because it is supportive of:

• Noticing their own emotions.
• Interrupting overtaking.
• Developing the skill of being present (being mindful) so that co-regulation is possible.
• Staying open instead of reacting.

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Blessings,
Barbara