Family Constellations

Dear All,

This issue is dedicated to the topic of Family Constellations — to offer some grounding before our live meeting for those interested in this healing method.

What Are Family Constellations?

Family Constellations is a therapeutic approach developed by Bert Hellinger, based on the idea that we are deeply connected to our family system across generations — often unconsciously. Emotional struggles, repeating relationship patterns, and feelings of guilt, anxiety, shame, or "not belonging" may be connected not only to our own experiences, but to unresolved issues within the wider family system. The work aims to:

• uncover hidden family dynamics,
• bring awareness to unconscious loyalties,
• restore healthier relationships within the family system,
• and help us separate our own feelings and responsibilities from those we may have absorbed from others.

One distinctive feature is that the work can happen even without other family members being present — the person works internally on their relationship to parents, grandparents, siblings, children, or ancestors.

The Three Main Principles

Should Adult Children Help Their Parents?

In Family Constellations we often hear the "healing sentences": "I am small, you are big. I take from you." Don't take this literally. Being "small" in relation to our parents doesn't mean we can't support them as they age — helping them is not a reversal of roles when we are adults.

The phrase "I am small" refers to an inner posture of respect. I acknowledge that my parents are the "gateway" through which life came to me. When I feel I have the right to my own life, I gladly help my parents — and this help flows from the heart, not from obligation. In their old age we can support them financially or logistically; the important thing is not to take responsibility for their emotions or their "inner child." We never stop being our parents' children, so we must be careful not to step into the role of mother or father toward them.

The Flow of Life

Healing begins with honouring one's parents. There is a truth that most of us do not want to hear:

— Adapted from a reflection by Constellation therapist Monika Janigacz

Acceptance vs. Unconditional Love

Instead of "unconditional love," Hellinger pointed toward unconditional agreement with reality — agreeing to our parents exactly as they are, acknowledging "what is" without judgment. This isn't an emotional feeling of love, but a deep, soulful "Yes" to life and its difficult terms.

The Need for "Give and Take" in Partnerships

In adult relationships, Hellinger believed unconditional love is actually a burden. A healthy adult relationship requires a balance of exchange. If one person gives unconditionally and the other only receives, the "taker" can feel a guilt or inferiority so great that they eventually leave. Between parents and children, however, the flow is naturally unequal: parents give, children take — and the balance is carried forward when children pass that life and love on to the next generation.

Links & Resources

Blessings,
Barbara