I will focus on relations in my blog posts. I want to learn alongside you, my readers, about parenting children of all ages, couple relationships, friendships and more.
I am not a formal expert, but I hope it will be a rewarding experience to reflect on specific challenges in relating to others and to ourselves.
Understanding Love: The Foundations of Lasting Relationships
The Imprint of Family Love
From the moment we are born, we see our parents as God and as Goddess. Our mum and dad serve as our first models of love. They shape our understanding of masculinity, femininity, and the dynamics of relationships. Every relationship we encounter throughout life is influenced by the imprint of our early experiences—both the beautiful and the difficult aspects of our parental relationships.
For couples preparing for marriage, recognising these early influences is crucial. We need to bring study and consciousness of our family of origin to our preparation for entering a partnership. The way one interacts with a spouse is often a reflection of unresolved family dynamics. Healing and integrating these imprints are essential for building a strong and loving partnership.
When entering a marriage, partners inevitably bring their family imprints. Thus, pre-marital education must consider the influence of their family of origin and teach that one of the primary responsibilities in marriage is to support one another in understanding and, when necessary, healing the partners’ relationships with their parents—whether those parents are present or not.
If you are a woman, be curious about the relationship between your future husband and his dad. Perhaps he acts like a child complaining about his parents; he gets frustrated with his dad, and he gets frustrated with his mum. Perhaps you witness their misunderstandings. What do you do? Your role is that of the relationship coach - supporting and making sure that your partner can see all the ways his parents were trying to love him in their own way. Their way of loving might drive him crazy, but you must show your partner how his mum is trying to give him love and care for him. Even though it’s hard for him to appreciate it, her intention is to try and love him. And you do the same with his dad – try to upgrade the image of your husband's father and mother in his own mind.
Your role is not only appreciating his parents’ good intentions but also trying to help his mum and dad to understand him better and build their relationship with him. Remember that when you became his wife, you also became his primary female influencer; as a wife, you must make sure that his relationship with her feels safe. She needs to see you are committed to creating peace in this family. And you must make sure your husband's relationship with his father can only get better. Because of your support and being in service of healing any tensions, your partner's relationship with their family system is more empowered.
You can help your partner connect with the parents if they are still in this world and also if they are not. Remember that it's not the visible interactions but the imprint of that parent in their psyche that's always present in your spouse’s mind. You must deal with it daily. This is why when interacting with your husband's or wife’s parents, it’s good to always look for a way to improve the quality of that relationship. Your partner is allowed to complain about his parents, but he doesn’t want you to complain about them or call them names. Your role is to validate his frustration and then try to help him see the situation differently.
The best point of view is the understanding that children have the advantage of the foundation built by their parents and also acquire new knowledge about relationships. They are blessed in this way, and scientific and technological discoveries support their learning of how relationships work and heal. This means the younger generation can be the leaders of the relationships in the family. Being grateful for what your parents gave you can empower you to quickly go beyond them and become more than they could even dream of – physically, emotionally, intellectually, and financially.
You're supposed to go past your parents in every way, and that makes you the leader of your relationship with them. The aim is that you're comfortable with how you relate or even proud of that relationship. If you wish it were different, remember that waiting until they change it will keep you in a child's state of being rather than a responsible adult.
Your parents could make the best of what they knew. If you want something better, you have to bring your cutting-edge tools and technologies and commit to growing the intimacy you have. Once you realise that you're the relationship leader and take on that job, the quality and beauty of the love you can create is what joy is about.
Look at your family lineage – you're the leader of the family system. So, instead of complaining about people in your family, you observe that they don't have the tools you have to handle themselves better. Your job is to go from a complaining, blaming, and shaming stance to a leader stance. But first, you must seek and find a better way to relate. You must create your vision and write your mission statement. Whoever can see the future is the one who has to lead.
It will not be easy until you increase awareness of your wounds and pain from your childhood and you heal that step by step. If you cannot go through this process, those wounds will be passed on to your children. And you won't be able to help it. You'll just start behaving towards your kids in ways you can't stop. And sometimes you won't even realise that you're doing it. You will be passing the pain and the heartache onto your children. Thus, becoming conscious and intentional about healing with your family of origin is crucial when you are preparing for marriage. Without developing awareness of your compulsive, automatic patterns of relating, you will automatically run the unwanted programs from your childhood.
Hence, the best piece of advice one can give you is to realise that you are the relationship leader. Your responsibility is to look at your current relationship with every family member and bring your creativity and intelligence, face your fear and dare to take them to the next level of intimacy. You are responsible for finding the tools as a leader – they don’t have them. Instead of seeing your parents as high and mighty and the leaders and the authority, see yourself as a filial child who will make them proud.
When you marry, you start creating a new family and investing your attention, time and resources in your new partner and, later, in your children. Understanding how family systems work is important – energy moves forward; it doesn't move backwards. Hence, your family of origin needs to take a second place. Once you've taken care of yourself and the family you're creating going forward, you can invest whatever resources are left over—time, energy, attention, money—in other family members from your family of origin.
You may feel guilt or obligation, but it is not true love whenever you do something out of guilt, duty or obligation. It is then done according to a program from your childhood or culture. If you want to help out a family member, do it out of the joy and the desire to contribute. Do not do it out of guilt, shame, and obligation. You can do the same action but with a different motivation. If you're doing something out of shame or guilt, you will start feeling slightly resentful, eventually negatively impacting the relationship with that person.
Creating your own family requires establishing healthy boundaries with one’s parents to prioritise and protect the new family unit. By making decisions from a place of integrity rather than fear, couples can create a joyful relationship dynamic.
In pre-marital education, couples would benefit from exploring how family dynamics may influence their beliefs, habits, and financial success. Awareness of these patterns allows couples to make conscious choices about the legacy they wish to create. Love within a family is profound, encompassing the full spectrum of human emotion—joy, frustration, anger, and admiration. True familial love involves acknowledging all feelings honestly while communicating in a way that preserves dignity and connection.
Healthy family and friend relationships require balance. When giving and taking become one-sided, resentment builds. A core principle of relational growth is understanding that the most conscious and flexible person in a system is the leader. In family relationships, this means that if one can see a path to greater love and connection, it becomes one's role to guide the way.
In summary, partners become empowered when they take responsibility for the quality of their family relationships rather than waiting for parents or siblings to change. They pay attention to what is going on in their own nervous system. They feel deep respect for their bond and connection with their relatives. Love is found in the balance between living to achieve one’s goals and also living for the sake of others.
If a family or friend relationship is one directional only, if one only gives or only takes, an unhealthy bond is created. It produces resentment and erodes the foundation of the relationship, not to mention the self-esteem and dignity of both people in that relationship. This is why paying attention and noticing how you contribute to intimacy and connection is so important. Are you curious about others? Anytime one partner or one person is taking advantage of the other, the relationship is going to start to falter.
In conclusion, taking your platonic relationships (with your parents, siblings, and friends) very seriously is good in preparation for entering a partnership. Then, in your married life, bringing as much intelligence and care to them as you do to your romantic relationships is also wise and good. Remember, your interactions with your family of origin govern your success in your couple relationship. And your dynamic with your friends influences the fulfilment and happiness you have in your life.
