Our inner critic is like a voice inside our heads that often focuses on our flaws, doubts, and fears. It can make us feel anxious, afraid of failure, or even stop us from enjoying life. But understanding how this inner critic works can help us grow beyond its influence and see ourselves from a higher perspective.
During an international conference, I had a powerful realisation about my inner critic. As part of an exercise called "inviting silence," I was paired with another participant who, interestingly, looked like a younger version of myself. We simply gazed into each other’s eyes for a few minutes, then shared our experiences.
In those silent moments, my inner critic became louder than ever. I felt anxious and struggled to maintain eye contact. When she smiled, I worried that she was silently judging me—noticing the noises coming from outside, even the birds in the garden, and thinking I was responsible for disrupting the silence. My mind was filled with self-judgment, making it challenging to stay present.
When the exercise ended, she told me something surprising: she had felt completely at ease with me, enjoying our silent connection. She had no judgments, only warmth and appreciation for the moments we shared.
That experience gave me deep insight into my own fears and patterns of thinking:
- I realised I had internalised a fear of failure, leading to anxiety and self-doubt.
- I tend to push myself too hard, always striving to achieve more, which prevents me from experiencing joy.
- My inner critic speaks in the language of shame and fear, and instead of running from it, I need to have a dialogue with it—understanding what it truly wants to protect me from.
For many people, an overpowering inner critic can take a heavy toll. In my own family, I have seen how this self-judgment has contributed to deep struggles, even leading to addiction, loss and pain. The experiences of interacting with my family of origin and the wider society in which I grew up have affected my relationships, causing me to project my inner fears onto my children.
If you find yourself struggling with perfectionism, all-or-nothing thinking, or feeling stuck in negative patterns, it may be time to assess how strong your inner critic is. The path to healing starts with empathy—for ourselves. It helped me to have a few coaching sessions of self-directed compassion.
Through my journey, I have come to understand that my inner critic is not my enemy but a voice that needs compassion. The core belief that I am “not lovable” is something I am working to break. Sometimes, I make mistakes and feel lost, but I am learning to find my inner strength in those moments.
The inner critic thrives in silence and shame. But when we listen to it with understanding, we take away its power. Healing comes when we choose self-compassion over self-judgment.
Have you ever noticed the voice of your inner critic? How does it speak to you, and what helps you find your way beyond it?
