One of the most beneficial shifts we can make as parents is to stop viewing our children’s behaviour as "bad" and start understanding that their brains are simply "under construction".
When a child is acting out, it is easy to default to labels such as impulsive, angry, naughty, or difficult. These are the labels children with ADHD often carry. However, if you can take a step back and realise that they are actually emotionally dysregulated, you instantly open the door to compassion.
We become more compassionate when we understand what is truly happening beneath the surface—when we understand emotional intelligence, the developing nervous system, and the unique wiring of the ADHD brain.
Unlearning the "Old Way"
Most of us were not taught these skills before having children. Consequently, we view challenging behaviour—rude remarks, willful defiance, button-pushing—through a negative, somewhat toxic lens. We see it as a personal attack, which leads us to punish our children when we feel frustrated or triggered.
We are also up against societal pressure. We are bombarded with messages from our culture, and often the older generation, about how kids "should" be: they should be polite, they should not step out of line, they should not be emotional.
While we certainly want to raise respectful, kind children, we need to unlearn many of the lessons we absorbed in our own childhoods. Many are simply unproductive for modern parenting, especially when raising a neurodivergent child.
The ADHD Context: The Developing Brain
We know there is much more going on under the surface. A child’s brain is still making critical connections and does not fully develop until their late twenties. Therefore, any child or teenager is biologically "meant" to mess up, make mistakes, and get things wrong.
For children with ADHD, there is an additional factor: a developmental delay of approximately 30%. This means your 10-year-old may be functioning socially and emotionally like a 7-year-old. When we forget this, we compare them to their peers or cousins and judge them unfairly.
Consider this heartbreaking statistic: by the age of 12, a child with ADHD will have heard 20,000 more negative messages than their neurotypical peers. These come from the people they love most—parents, grandparents, teachers. This happens because their behaviours are triggering to us, and we react rather than respond.
What is Emotionally Intelligent Parenting?
Emotional intelligence (EI) is the ability to be aware of our own emotions in the moment, to manage them, and to be aware of others' emotions.
In a parenting context, this means realising that we cannot manage someone else’s emotions, but we can manage our own.
If I feel attacked or spoken to rudely, EI allows me to recognise that feeling. Instead of firing back and damaging the relationship, I can use that awareness to adjust my behaviour. When we have a handle on our emotional intelligence, we deepen our relationships.
The Iceberg: Looking Beneath the Behaviour
Imagine your child comes home from school, dumps their bag in the hall, slams the door, and ignores you.
- The Reactive Approach: The "old" you might think: “How rude and respectful. You do not dump your bag and ignore me!” You rush in, demand an apology, and it likely ends in a yelling match or a power struggle.
- The Responsive Approach: You pause. You notice your own irritation but choose to look closer. You think: “That’s unusual. Something is going on. What happened at school today? What is under the iceberg driving this behaviour?”
By pausing, you avoid adding fuel to the fire. You move from trying to "fix" the behaviour immediately to understanding the child.
Practical Tools: How to Press Pause
When we are burnt out, anxious, or irritated, pausing is difficult. Our nervous system senses a threat (even if it’s just a rude comment) and prepares to fight. Here is how to anchor yourself and bring your brain back online:
- The Physical Anchor: Develop a physical habit to ground yourself. Put your hand on your heart. Notice if it is racing. Physically tuck your chin or take a deep breath. Use "tapping" or rub your hands together to regulate your sensory system.
- The Circuit Breaker: If there is no immediate physical danger, leave the situation. Tell yourself, "The house won’t burn down." Go to the kitchen. Put the kettle on. Watch it boil. Those two or three minutes allow your brain to exit "emotional hijack" mode.
- Understand the "Flipped Lid": Dr Daniel Siegel’s model of the brain explains that when emotions run high, the amygdala takes over and we lose access to our frontal lobe (reasoning, impulse control, logic). We literally "flip our lid". You cannot parent effectively with a flipped lid, and your child cannot learn with one. Wait until you are both calm.
A Challenge for You
We often find emotions uncomfortable because we were raised to believe they were silly or embarrassing. We distract ourselves with work or scrolling on social media to avoid feeling "yucky" emotions like anger, disappointment, or stress.
Here is my challenge to you:
The next time you feel an uncomfortable emotion, try to just sit with it for a
few minutes. Do not distract yourself. Do not push it away. Just observe it.
Say to yourself, "I wonder how long I can allow this feeling to be
here."
It is a discipline—a daily practice. The better you become at tolerating your own uncomfortable emotions, the better you will be at tolerating your child's big emotions without dismissing them or shutting them down.
